Valentine's Day

All right, all right, all right, so let me tell you how this whole Valentine's Day thing started.  It's a long, completely unremarkable tale about a man that, quite frankly, was too big of an idiot to exist in the first place.  Not only is it a sad, disgusting idea of a holiday, it is also for tools.  You tools, you.

Okay, it's not for tools.  And it's not too bad of a holiday, but let me give you the rundown:

You see, people try to tell us that it was started because of some dude with the last name of Valentine, or something, was in prison and he died.  Then his lady said "For my Valentine" or something, and then proceeded to ditch him for a wealthier bad boy that had a motorcycle.  That's right--a motorcycle!  Anyways, minus the motorcycle part, everyone knows this is complete nonsense.  The true foundations of Valentine's Day were brought about after a bunch of candy companies (read: Hershey's, Wonka, Nestlee, etc.) realized that there are two things women love: money and chocolates.  And boy, do they love chocolates.

Now, these companies were always drinking up the accolades.  After all, why wouldn't they?  Who doesn't like a classic Hershey's Kiss?  I'll tell you who doesn't: Communists.  They decided that they couldn't get enough money.  No, the only way to get more was to exploit one of the easiest emotions there is to exploit, love.  Of course, some would argue, "But Drew!  Love isn't exploitable!  Why not have a Greed or Gluttony Day instead?"  To that, I say, shut up.

So the plan was hatched after much deliberation, and they set into effect Valentine's Day, based off of Saint Valentine, a chocoholic that died due to a broken heart.  Authorities say it had to do with the massive amounts of cholesterol and sugar that were pumped through his system, but we all know that's a myth.

And so, every year, the candy companies make bank (a lot of bank) off of hormone-driven teenagers and that single lady that's too self-conscious to deal with being the only one in the office that doesn't receive some chocolates and sends some to herself as a way of coping with her slowly fading physical looks, leading to her inevitable death as a stay-at-home wife with four more kids than she would've wanted.

All of this information was taken from the incredibly reputable source of Wikipedia.